RPG Design Tips #5 – Making Your Editor Happy

About to send in your RPG manuscript? Want the editor, developer, and publisher to say good things about you to other industry professionals? Want to get more work from them? Here are things you can do to make that more likely:

1. Read the manuscript to yourself, ideally out loud. Also, if possible, read it to someone else who plays RPGs. If you really want to be thorough, read it to someone who doesn’t play and see how much they understand. Do you (or they) hear anything that sounds forced, confusing, wordy, or redundant? Fix it.

2. Copyedit and proofread your manuscript. The fact that you are using a professional editor (or your publisher is) doesn’t excuse you from fixing typos, checking to make sure what you wrote makes sense, and striving for consistency. Make it as perfect as you can before the editor sees it.

3. Run spell and grammar check. We all have errors we’re prone to making, and software can help catch some of those. I would turn on the checkbox that makes it check as you type. It will underline extra (or missing) spaces, obvious typos, and other errors. Don’t blindly follow the suggestions, however. It’s a useful tool, but it will often tell you things are wrong when they aren’t.

4. Read and internalize the house style guide and submission guidelines/requirements. The editor will ensure you are following it, but they will be unhappy if you make little effort. This is even more important if you are sending a manuscript through a publisher’s submission window rather than work for hire. The same is true for using style and mechanics templates.

5. Research public domain references and other potential copyright or trademark infringement. The goal is to avoid creating extra work for the publisher because that can lead them not to hire you again or not to approve your submission. When in doubt, leave the reference out.

6. Check that you aren’t duplicating mechanics the publisher has already published. And if you’re designing for a game with OGL, check that the core rules don’t already have your mechanic.

7. Playtest your mechanics. It might not always be possible to do this, but if it is, it’s well worth the effort. Mechanics might seem great on paper, but sometimes you (or your players) discover things you didn’t realize. Maybe the mechanic is broken when combined with another common option. Or perhaps, no matter how elegantly designed it is, it’s simply no fun.

8. Become familiar with the kinds of things the publisher is known for before writing if you aren’t already. That doesn’t mean the publisher won’t want to publish something different, but if you know their product line, reputation, and vibe, you are more likely to make them and their customers happy.

9. Communicate early and often. As soon as you have a concern, let the publisher know. This could be about something you don’t understand, your ability to meet the deadline, potentially controversial content, publisher expectations, contract details, scope changes, or anything else. Game designers are often so afraid to disappoint or piss off their publisher that they don’t tell them about problems until it’s too late.

10. Send them your bio. If they ask for a bio for the book, promotion, or website, you definitely want to send it to them. Don’t make them ask you multiple times. This is free publicity! Don’t be afraid to ask for examples of what other people have done so you can get a sense of length and vibe. Similarly, let them know how you want to be credited if they ask or if it’s not obvious.

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RPG Design Tips #4 – Mechanics Design Pitfalls

Here’s my list of the most common mechanics design problems I see when reviewing manuscripts as an editor or developer:

1. Not working with the system. If your system is one that doesn’t grant large static bonuses to rolls, don’t do that in your mechanics. If it’s one in which rules subsystems are few and far between, don’t introduce lots of new ones. If it has a prescribed list of conditions, don’t introduce lots of new ones. Innovation doesn’t mean adding lots of new stuff; it means finding new ways to use what’s already in the system.

2. Ignoring the prime user. Who is the target for the mechanic? If it’s meant to benefit the fighter, did you design in a way such that just about anyone would benefit from it more than the fighter? That’s a problem. Make it so the fighter actually wants it.

3. Feat taxes. Is the mechanic so good that the character almost is required to take it? If so, it should probably be part of the core design, not an optional add-on.

4. Nothing burgers. Is the mechanic so dinky, underpowered, or unflavored that it’s unlikely anyone would take it. Or worse, is it clearly a mistake to take it? Or even worse, is it a mechanic that “grants” a benefit the character already has by default? That’s a problem.

5. Imbalance. Is the mechanic vastly more (or less) powerful than similar mechanics? It’s OK if not every mechanic is equally good, but it’s a problem if a mechanic is so obviously over or underpowered that readers wonder if it was even workshopped.

6. Overlapping or uncooperative mechanics. Does the mechanic overlap with another in an unsatisfying way? For example, is the player playing the archer going to be annoyed because half of two feats they want do the same thing? Or is the player going to be frustrated because the game actively punishes certain combinations that are otherwise thematically interesting by giving them uncooperative mechanics.

7. Ambiguous wordings. If 100 people read the mechanic, will the significant majority of them interpret it the same way? If there are nearly as many interpretations as there are readers, your mechanic has a problem.

8. Unintuitive mechanics. It doesn’t matter if the mechanic is working as intended if it’s inherently confusing. If you see players misinterpreting a particular rule over and over again, the problem is not the players; it’s the rule.

9. House rule culture. People will always house rule games, but if your game (or your mechanic) is one in which people have no choice but to house rule it because it’s incomprehensible, nonfunctional, or otherwise frustrating, you have a core design problem.

10. Mathapalooza. Do players (and GMs) have to do a ton of arithmetic mid-game (or mid-combat) to resolve your mechanic. A bit is fine, but if people are remarking on how much math there is, that’s a sign that there might be too much. Of course, that might be what your game is shooting for, but if it’s not, rethink your mechanic(s). The same is true for complex geometry in your spell or power design.

11. Disorganized mechanics. If your mechanic references another mechanic that references another book that is dependent on a mechanic in another part of that book or that is never defined in that book …. you get the picture. Generally, everything someone needs to understand the basics of a mechanic should appear on the page(s) where the mechanic appears.

12. Isolating rules. Does your mechanic isolate a single character (and by extension, their player)? Does your hacker end up spending hours in-game doing stuff that no one else can be involved with? Does your mage perform lots of long, complicated rituals that no one else understands or can help with? Does your system give no (or insufficient) benefit to characters working together, causing them to go off on their own? Does it lead to most of the players at the game table having nothing to do for hours? You don’t want this.

13. Flavor/rules disagreements. Does the flavor text disagree with the rules, or vice versa? Don’t leave the reader wondering if the mechanic does more (or less) than the text seems to indicate.

14. Vibe violations. Is your mechanic unfun? Punitive? Unnecessarily arbitrary? Does it disrespect the time and emotions of the players? Whether this is OK or not depends on the game. If you have a pulls-no-punches, expect-to-die sort of vibe, it’s fine. But if your game is happy-go-lucky, slow-burn, and character-focused, then suddenly a single failed roll in an adventure leads to character death, you have a problem.

15. Designer/audience mismatch. Did your customers tell you they liked or disliked something? Did they tell you something was confusing? Did they say they wanted more or less of a particular kind of mechanic or story direction? If you have feedback from your customers, listen to it. It’s fine to go with your creative gut from time to time to make a decision that disagrees with your customers, but generally, you should listen to what your fans and players are telling you, and design accordingly.

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RPG Design Tips #3 – Adventure Design Pitfalls

In the TTRPG industry, it’s quite common for designers to receive little to no feedback on their work. So here’s my list of the top pitfalls in adventure design:

1. Mystery writing. Foreshadowing, tension, and mystery are great in adventures, but only for players. The GM should have a high-level understanding of everything that will happen in the adventure from the opening summary. There should be no grand reveal later that wasn’t mentioned in the summary.

2. Bottlenecks and gatekeeping. Adventures should never come to a screeching halt because characters failed a roll, didn’t understand a clue, or forgot a key detail. Always have an alternative way to move forward.

3. Impossible puzzles. If you’re going to include puzzles, make sure there is sufficient info to solve them, visual support, and alternative ways past the challenge if the players get stuck.

4. Too many characters. It’s hard for players to remember a lot of characters, especially if they have similar names, appearances, or roles in the adventure. If an NPC is going to be important later, make their name, appearance, speech patterns, mannerisms, and role distinct. The same is true of places, items, and other important details.

5. Unnecessary rolls. If there are no stakes to a roll, eliminate it. Don’t simply place skill checks to give characters something to roll. If there are no consequences to failing it, eliminate it. If there is no time limit, and they can keep trying, eliminate it. If it’s something their characters already know or should know, eliminate it. Rolling is a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. Meaningless rolling dilutes stakes and wastes precious time.

6. Psychic expectations. Don’t expect players to be able to read your mind as a writer. This means that there always need to be clear ways to solve problems and find clues that the characters (not the players) can achieve. The adventure isn’t testing Bob, Danielle, Keisha, and Alan. It’s testing Zanzibario, Grok Axesmasher, Grim the Mage, and Tyronessa the Wily.

7. “Meta” mismatch. Make sure your adventure is clear on expectations for how players explore. If the adventure is going to insist that players say exactly where they are searching, every time they are looking for something, players need to know that. Otherwise, they will get tired of telling the GM every single square, piece of furniture, and tapestry they search. And the one time they don’t mention it, the player will get very frustrated when the trap goes off. Better yet, just don’t expect players to do this at all.

8. Theater of the mind fatigue. Don’t assume players can picture what you’re describing verbally in the manuscript. Most people need visuals of what’s happening. Maps, pictures, diagrams, etc. Without those, play becomes amorphous, and players have a much harder time determining what their characters will do.

9. Relying on memory. Weeks or even months might pass between sessions. And players are busy. They also might be playing in multiple games. They might be tired. Or they might just not have great memories. Don’t make characters fail because their players didn’t remember some random detail. Include reminders, be they helpful NPCs, built-in narrated recaps, or clues. This goes for the GM too! They need hints, recaps, and reminders of who, what, where, when, why, and how.

10. Static locations. Creatures should move around. If they can hear the characters, they should investigate. If they hate other creatures in a nearby area, they might fight those creatures. If the characters don’t investigate, the cultists might finish their evil ritual. It should never be a situation where every location is static until the characters enter that space.

11. Ignoring creativity. There may be a predetermined way (or ways) to solve a problem, but the adventure should allow for players to come up with alternatives. That doesn’t mean allowing them to do things their characters are incapable of, but the challenge should be flexible enough to allow for ingenuity.

12. Railroading. Nothing derails player agency faster than forcing them down the rails of a rigid adventure. Even when you really need them to do a certain thing in a certain order, players need to always feel like their decisions make a difference.

13. Ignoring roleplaying. Include built-in bonuses in the adventure for when players make passionate speeches or describe their actions in an epic way. You might suggest to the GM to give them advantage or lower the difficulty.

14. Lack of variety. While not every character will be highlighted equally in an adventure, it’s important to make sure there are a variety of different kinds of challenges. Even in dungeons, there should be opportunities to make alliances. And even in roleplay-heavy adventures, there should be times to climb a wall or pick a lock.

15. Ignoring consent. If you know your adventure has themes that might be upsetting to certain players, discuss this in the opening of the adventure and at the points where those themes become a concern. Give the GM an easy way to check with players to make sure they are OK with the concern, be it spiders, gore, racism, or something else. Once the book is in the GM’s hands, you have no control over what they do, but you can give them the tools and set the precedent for achieving consent.

16. Overcomplicated layouts. Is it crucial that the cave be shaped like a rhombus with a spiral stairway, multiple mezzanines and catwalks, alcoves for sarcophagi, floating stained-glass windows, tubes connecting sub-rooms, a moat full of acid, and blinking force fields? While interesting layouts are great, if you make it difficult for the GM and players to picture what’s being described, you increase the likelihood their characters will misunderstand the situation or that the players will get stuck in analysis paralysis.

17. Prescriptive descriptions. When describing a scene, never narrate what characters do or how they feel. You don’t know these things and have no right to determine them. It’s fine to describe eerie sounds, but don’t say that the characters are terrified of them. Give the layout of the area, but don’t indicate where the characters move or what they do.

18. Bizarre ecosystems. Dungeons should make sense. Why is there an ogre in one room and then a medusa in the next. Are they roommates? It’s OK if the dungeon is whacky, but there should be some sort of internal logic to it. There should be factions, alliances, chances of enemies fighting each other, things for them to eat, etc.

19. Lack of stakes. Why should the characters go in this dungeon? What’s in it for them? What do they get out of it? Why should they care? What happens if they fail? If you haven’t answered these as the designer, you need to make that your first priority before proceeding.

20. Grind. If your adventure is just a never-ending series of combats, especially really straightforward ones, it’s a problem. The same goes for boring traps, lack of hazards and environmental conditions, lack of breaks or downtime, and lack of roleplaying opportunities. This may be fun for some groups, but most will find adventures like these unfulfilling.

Did I miss any?

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RPG Design Tips #2 – Designing for Accessibility

There are a lot of things folks do when creating RPG products that make them harder to read and understand. This is challenging for all readers, but it disproportionately impacts people with disabilities related to information processing, executive function, language, and vision. Here are things to watch out for:

1. Giant walls of text. It’s better to overuse headers and subheaders than to underuse them. Clear and consistent headers give readers places to pause and absorb, and they make it much easier to find information.

2. Lack of topic sentences. Don’t rely on the header alone to tell readers what the section is about. Headers get moved around or changed in editing, and text gets rearranged, so you always need the first sentence to establish what’s being discussed.

3. Use of terms you don’t define until later. The first time you use a term that doesn’t have an obvious meaning, you need to define it. Don’t wait until a later section. Otherwise, readers are left scrambling to figure out what you mean.

4. Unclear formatting guidelines. You need to have a clear guidelines document that establishes when to use which headers, when text is bolded or italicized, how to use bullets and lists, how much space should be between headers and lines, etc. The more thoughtful and consistent you are, the easier your products will be to read.

5. Overuse of italics and bold. Italics are hard on the eyes, and this is disproportionately true for folks with disabilities related to vision, language, and information processing. Italics have their place, but you should never use them for more than a few words at a time. Similarly, avoid using bold and italics for dramatic emphasis, and reserve them for specific visual signifiers, like names of game elements.

6. Poor TOCs. A TOC that doesn’t drill down into the portions of chapters, or conversely, one that drills down too far—makes it hard to find things quickly. The same goes for inconsistent TOC structuring. Make it easier for your reader to find what they’re looking for.

7. Missing, inaccurate, or incomplete indices. I’ve never heard anyone complain that a product’s index was too complete or too accurate. A good index can make people forgive any number of organizational sins.

8. Whacky or small fonts. Just don’t. I know they seem like a way to add visual appeal to your product, but that appeal wears thin almost instantly. Trust your art and layout folks to create visual appeal without needing hard-to-read fonts.

9. Lack of a glossary. Not all products need a glossary, but many over a certain length benefit from one. I’ve never heard anyone complain that a book’s glossary was too long, but people definitely notice when it’s hard to figure out what a game term means.

10. Unhelpful citations. Avoid telling readers about “the chart below” or “the encounter on the next page.” Similarly, avoid citing the specific page number. Things move around during editing and layout, yet creators often forget to update these references, leaving readers scratching their heads. You will miss something. Instead, cite the table, section, or other reference by name and with established formatting. You might say “See Chapter 7 for more information on medusas” or “see the Medusa table.”

Did I miss any?

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RPG Design Tips #1 – Better Puzzles

In my decades as an editor and designer working on TTRPGs, only about 10-20% of the puzzles in manuscripts I’ve received have been well designed. Here are reasons a given puzzle might be problematic.

1. If it is more a challenge for the players than their characters

2. If the adventure comes to a screeching halt when players can’t figure it out

3. If the rest of the adventure is gated behind the puzzle

4. If it is done “theater of the mind,” without visual aids

5. If it requires the players to think exactly like the designer does

6. If the writing is vague, fuzzy, or otherwise imprecise

7. If there is no alternative way to get past it, such as a skill test

8. If there are multiple possible solutions, but the puzzle only accepts one of them

9. If the puzzle is particularly taxing on players with disabilities

10. If the puzzle demands a perfect memory on the part of the players

Did I miss any?

My advice is to ask multiple other people, ideally people who aren’t puzzle enthusiasts, to try and solve the puzzle before you submit it as part of a manuscript. If they express concerns, believe them and rework the puzzle.

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Editing Tips #8 – Cutting Word Count

Editing Tips #8 – Cutting Word Count

You’ve completed a draft of your manuscript, but your editor wants you to cut 10,000 words. Or you are hoping to get your mystery novel published, but its word count is veering into the territory of epic fantasy. How can you cut your manuscript’s word count?

1. Prune the word “that.” Sometimes, the word that helps focus a reader’s attention on what’s important in a sentence. But much of the time, it’s unnecessary. Any time the meaning of your sentence is just as clear without the word that as it is with it, get rid of it. Its taking up precious word count.
• “I thought that you were going to the park.” vs. “I thought you were going to the park.”

2. Cut redundant words. Some expressions can be replaced with more economical constructions.
• “Advance warning” vs. “Warning” (All warning is in advance, so the word advance is unnecessary”
• “Add an additional” vs. “Add”
• “All of” vs. “All”
• “Added bonus” vs. “Bonus” (Bonuses are, by definition, added)
• “Absolutely essential” vs. “Essential” (Essential is already superlative)
• “Small/large in size” vs. “Small/large”
• “True facts” vs. “Facts”
• “Past history” vs. “History”
• “Evolve over time” vs. “Evolve” (All evolution takes place over time)
• “Basic fundamentals” vs. “Fundamentals/Basics” (All basics = fundamental; all fundamentals = basics)
• “Consensus of opinion” vs. “Consensus”
• “Cut out” vs. “Cut”

3. Cut redundant adverbs. While you should make a point of cutting out most adverbs, sometimes they’re useful. But they aren’t useful if the adverb repeats a meaning inherent in the verb.
• Shouted loudly
• Raced hurriedly
• Whispered softly
• Charged recklessly

4. Cut redundant prepositions
• “Meet with” vs. Meet
• “Sold off” vs. “Sold”
• “Met up” vs. “Met”
• “This time around” vs. “This time”

5. Delete unnecessary instances of “the.”
• “Your success in football depends on putting in the time and the effort.” vs. “Your success in football depends on putting in time and effort.”

6. Reduce your use of adverbs and adjectives. While adjectives and adverbs can be useful, they often weaken the nouns and verbs they’re attached to. While editing your work, ask yourself if there is a more specific noun or verb that gets your point across without the need for embellishment. Alternatively, does the sentence mean what you want it to without the need for the adjectives and adverbs?
• “The complete effect of the treatment became abundantly obvious after four whole days.” vs. “The effect of the treatment became obvious after four days.”

7. Convert passive to active voice. There are times when passive voice is useful, such as when you want to focus on the target of an action rather than the person who committed the action, but most of the time, active voice is better. It makes it clear who is doing what action, and it usually uses fewer words.
• “The sermon was delivered by the priest.” vs. “The priest delivered the sermon.”

8. Trim unnecessary transitions. Writing teachers often instruct students to use transitions to bridge paragraphs. But much of the time, these aren’t adding any meaning. Some of the transitional words and phrases that can usually be cut include:
• Likewise, on the flip side, similarly, indeed, then, furthermore, in the same vein.

9. Cut the word “very.” Unless you’re writing dialogue, the word “very” is almost never necessary. Use an alternative word or construction that indicates degree or severity.
• “It’s very important that we win this game!” vs. “We must win this game!”

10. Feel free to change sentence structure. Some sentences use a conjunction like “and” to link two independent clauses. But you could just use a period and start a new sentence.
• “Laura visited the park, and then Bob bought ice cream.” vs. “Laura visited the park. Bob bought ice cream.”

11. Remove unnecessary dialogue tags. A lot of writers feel like they must use a tag after each line of dialogue. But there are many instances when you can remove these.
• If it’s clear who is speaking because there are only two speakers, you can drop many of your tags. Use enough so people don’t get lost, but it doesn’t have to be every time.
• If you have action committed by the speaker, either before or after the dialogue, you can often leave out the tag.
• If the speaker says the name of the other speaker in the dialogue, you can cut the tag. Use this sparingly or your dialogue will feel forced.
• You can also leave out the tag by having clear and deliberate patterns of speech. If we can tell who is speaking based on what they said and how they said it, we don’t need a tag.

12. Use contractions and compound verbs. This is controversial, and it may not fly in formal writing, but it in informal writing, you can use contractions and compound verbs to reduce word count.
• Has not/Hasn’t
• Would have/Would’ve
• You have/You’ve
• We will/We’ll

13. Use plural nouns instead of singular. When you can achieve the same meaning with a plural sentence construction, consider using it to cut down on word count.
• Their vs. his or her
• People vs. A Person
• They vs. Bob and Ron

14. Modulate time expressions. Unless it’s crucial that we know it’s “very nearly noon” or “eleven o’clock in the morning” or “half past three,” use a phrase that conveys the same idea in fewer words.
• “It was very nearly noon when she woke up.” vs. “She woke at noon.”
• “The bell rang at eleven o’clock in the morning.” vs. “The bell rang at eleven.”
• “They finished school at half past three.” vs. “They finished school at three-thirty.”

Please note that even these tips must be used with discretion. They are advice, not rules.

What are your tips for cutting word count?

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Editing Tips #7: How to get on your editor’s good side

For my 7th article on editing tips, I’d like to talk about things editors love to see and things that really frustrate us. We talk to each other, so you don’t want to develop a reputation as unprofessional, difficult, or just not very good.

Do:

  • Read your entire manuscript from first to last word several times. Fix any issues to the best of your ability.
  • Run a spelling and grammar checker. Also, turn on the feature that underlines errors. This will detect extra (or missing) spaces, missing punctuation, and other formatting issues your eye might miss. Note: the spelling and grammar checker is often wrong, but it is good at picking up formatting errors. Use it judiciously.
  • Have someone else read your work before you turn it in (if at all possible).
  • Review the style/submission guidelines and formatting requirements of the publication, company, or line, and make sure you follow them. If there aren’t any guidelines, consider emailing your editor about any particulars you should be aware of.
  • Use appropriate spelling and usage for your location. In America, use American spelling; in the UK, British spelling; and so on.
  • Let your editor know if you are running into problems, might be late, need more time, or about any other issues. It’s rare for us to be upset about things like this, but you must inform us in a timely manner. You earn points for being communicative and easy to work with; it’s not about being perfect.
  • Review changes and suggestions. Take note of any trends or tendencies an editor points out.

Don’t:

  • Use passive voice. Ever. It’s always bad writing and makes you look bad.
  • Use weird fonts.
  • Use 2 spaces after each period. This is wrong. It’s not an opinion. If you do it, you are wrong and should get over it. If you did this on a cold submission, there’s a strong possibility you will be rejected, even if everything else is perfect. If you are doing work for hire, your editor will groan.
  • Accept the tracked changes made by your editor without reading them. You don’t improve as a writer, might be frustrated by changes you don’t agree with, and piss us off.
  • Ignore wordcount for the assignment. Shoot for no more than +/- 10% over or under the request. If they say 3000 words, try to be between 2700-3300. If they give a range, try not to go over the upper limit of the range.
  • Get angry about requests, changes, or observations. Most editors are not mean and are not going out of our way to upset you. Some of us are nicer than others, but that’s true in any field. Please feel free to discuss a change, but please don’t yell at us, write nasty emails, or go above our heads to the publisher (they probably already know).
  • Submit a rough draft, WIP, or any manuscript that isn’t complete to your editor unless they’ve asked for one.

Have any editor pet peeves I didn’t cover? Mention them in your comments.

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Editing Tips #6: Commas and the Word But

Editing Tips #6: Commas and the Word But

I’m going to let you in on a secret: you don’t always need to use a comma before the word but.

Many of us are in the habit of putting a comma before the word but every time it appears. For reasons grammarians cannot fathom, the word but triggers the “we need to use commas to indicate a pause in our sentence” instinct that our elementary school teachers hammered into our craniums.

When do we use a comma with but? When is it unnecessary (or even wrong)?

In the sentences below, the word but is linking two independent clauses. An independent clause is a clause that can stand alone as its own sentence; it doesn’t rely on any other clauses to give it meaning. We can connect two independent clauses to create one sentence using a coordinating conjunction (such as but) and a comma.

·       I love to eat apples, but I hate to eat pears.

·       She went to the park, but she didn’t do her homework.

·       The girls went to the movies, but the boys came home early for dinner.

When part of a sentence relies on another part to give it meaning, we don’t use a comma before the conjunction (in this case, but).  We call these dependent clauses.

·       I love eating apples but not pears.

·       We always go to the movies but never to the park.

·       Yolanda ate her ice cream but didn’t eat her vegetables.

Next time you are writing a sentence with the word but, ask yourself the following question:

·       Are the two clauses I want to link with but independent, complete thoughts that can stand alone as their own sentences?

If the answer is yes, use a comma. If the answer is no, and the clause after the but requires the clause before it to make sense, do not use a comma. 

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Editing Tips #5: Antecedents

As writers, we usually know the intent behind the words we use. Unfortunately, this can cause us to miss ambiguity in our writing. That’s why it’s so important to establish clear antecedents.

An antecedent is a word in a paragraph or sentence that is later replaced by pronouns or substitutes. Generally, the antecedent is the closest noun to the left of a pronoun in a sentence. See below:

  • John took his dog to the park. This was the second time he had gone this week. There, they played fetch, went for a run, and socialized with other dogs and their owners.

In the paragraph above, John, dog, and park are all antecedents. John is the antecedent for the pronouns “his” in the first sentence and “he” in the second. Park is the antecedent for “there” in the third sentence. John + dog is the antecedent for “they” in the third sentence.

Let’s look at another paragraph where the antecedents are less clear:

  • Sean jogged to our house and knocked on the door. Sam glanced at Jim and rolled his eyes, then got up to let him in.

The intent of the sentence above is for Sam to let Sean in. But because of the way the sentence is constructed, the reader might get the impression that Sam is letting Jim in and not Sean. Even if the reader is likely to understand the intent, it slows down the reading process, which is never our intent.

A better version of the paragraph about Sean is:

  • Sean jogged to our house and knocked on the door. Sam glanced at Jim and rolled his eyes, then got up to let Sean in.

We use pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition, which is generally frowned on in English writing, but we shouldn’t do this to the point where it’s unclear who is doing what.

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Editing Tips #4: Microagressions

For my fourth editing tips article, I’d like to talk about microaggressive language. Microaggressions are terms people use that convey hostility or disdain for marginalized groups. They can be intentional or unintentional. I covered gender in a previous post, so I won’t discuss it more here.

  1. Ableist language. When people use ableist language, they are generally using a word related to a disability to imply that something is undesirable. This language implies that people with disabilities need to be fixed or cured.
    A) Lame/retarded = bad or mediocre
    B) Crazy/insane = outlandish
    C) Maniac/Psycho/Schizo = a person who is behaving in an erratic or inconsistent way
    D) Crippled/handicapped = experiencing a massive disadvantage
  1. Homophobic/transphobic language. When people use homophobic or transphobic language (also biphobic, etc.) they are employing words and phrases that cast aspersions on members of the queer community. They may also be willfully disregarding the identity of a queer person by incorrectly naming them.
    A) That’s so gay = that’s terrible
    B) Deadnaming = referring to a trans person by their birth or former name instead of the name they currently go by. This strips the person of their voice and identity.
    C) Heteronormative projection = assuming another person is straight and speaking to them as if that’s the default.
  1. Racist language. Language that cast aspersions on a race or associates all members of that race with a particular characteristic.
    A) My black roommate is so loud. Your roommate may be loud, but it’s not because they’re black. That’s just the way they sound. But by inserting their race into the sentence when it’s completely irrelevant, you are creating a connection where none exists.
    B) Your English is so good for a Latin guy. People might mean well when they give this sort of compliment, but all they are doing is implying that most members of that race do not exhibit the positive quality they are referring to.
  1. Anti-religious/ethnic language. Language that cast aspersions on a religion or ethnicity or associates all of its members with a particular quality.
    A) You’re Jewish? You must be rich. There is no correlation.
    B) You’re a gypsy (Roma)? Hands off my stuff. Being Roma does not make someone a thief.
    C) You shouldn’t let him on the plane (referring to a Arab man). He’s probably a terrorist. Being a Muslim or an Arab does not make a person any more likely to engage in terrorism. Most terrorists in this country are white Christian men.
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