The first 2 articles of my series on non-musical bards are up on the Kobold Press blog.

Part 1 provides a variety of reflavoring options and a handful of small tweaks to the bard class features, such as alternative tool proficiencies and starting equipment. This gives direction for players and GMs who want to try out alternative bard concepts.

Part 2 presents a new bard subclass, The College of Cuisine. This college is for the rockstars and celebrity chefs of the adventuring world. It centers on creating magical treats infused with bard spells and Bardic Inspiration.

Editing Tips #8 – Cutting Word Count

You’ve completed a draft of your manuscript, but your editor wants you to cut 10,000 words. Or you are hoping to get your mystery novel published, but its word count is veering into the territory of epic fantasy. How can you cut your manuscript’s word count?

1. Prune the word “that.” Sometimes, the word that helps focus a reader’s attention on what’s important in a sentence. But much of the time, it’s unnecessary. Any time the meaning of your sentence is just as clear without the word that as it is with it, get rid of it. Its taking up precious word count.
• “I thought that you were going to the park.” vs. “I thought you were going to the park.”

2. Cut redundant words. Some expressions can be replaced with more economical constructions.
• “Advance warning” vs. “Warning” (All warning is in advance, so the word advance is unnecessary”
• “Add an additional” vs. “Add”
• “All of” vs. “All”
• “Added bonus” vs. “Bonus” (Bonuses are, by definition, added)
• “Absolutely essential” vs. “Essential” (Essential is already superlative)
• “Small/large in size” vs. “Small/large”
• “True facts” vs. “Facts”
• “Past history” vs. “History”
• “Evolve over time” vs. “Evolve” (All evolution takes place over time)
• “Basic fundamentals” vs. “Fundamentals/Basics” (All basics = fundamental; all fundamentals = basics)
• “Consensus of opinion” vs. “Consensus”
• “Cut out” vs. “Cut”

3. Cut redundant adverbs. While you should make a point of cutting out most adverbs, sometimes they’re useful. But they aren’t useful if the adverb repeats a meaning inherent in the verb.
• Shouted loudly
• Raced hurriedly
• Whispered softly
• Charged recklessly

4. Cut redundant prepositions
• “Meet with” vs. Meet
• “Sold off” vs. “Sold”
• “Met up” vs. “Met”
• “This time around” vs. “This time”

5. Delete unnecessary instances of “the.”
• “Your success in football depends on putting in the time and the effort.” vs. “Your success in football depends on putting in time and effort.”

6. Reduce your use of adverbs and adjectives. While adjectives and adverbs can be useful, they often weaken the nouns and verbs they’re attached to. While editing your work, ask yourself if there is a more specific noun or verb that gets your point across without the need for embellishment. Alternatively, does the sentence mean what you want it to without the need for the adjectives and adverbs?
• “The complete effect of the treatment became abundantly obvious after four whole days.” vs. “The effect of the treatment became obvious after four days.”

7. Convert passive to active voice. There are times when passive voice is useful, such as when you want to focus on the target of an action rather than the person who committed the action, but most of the time, active voice is better. It makes it clear who is doing what action, and it usually uses fewer words.
• “The sermon was delivered by the priest.” vs. “The priest delivered the sermon.”

8. Trim unnecessary transitions. Writing teachers often instruct students to use transitions to bridge paragraphs. But much of the time, these aren’t adding any meaning. Some of the transitional words and phrases that can usually be cut include:
• Likewise, on the flip side, similarly, indeed, then, furthermore, in the same vein.

9. Cut the word “very.” Unless you’re writing dialogue, the word “very” is almost never necessary. Use an alternative word or construction that indicates degree or severity.
• “It’s very important that we win this game!” vs. “We must win this game!”

10. Feel free to change sentence structure. Some sentences use a conjunction like “and” to link two independent clauses. But you could just use a period and start a new sentence.
• “Laura visited the park, and then Bob bought ice cream.” vs. “Laura visited the park. Bob bought ice cream.”

11. Remove unnecessary dialogue tags. A lot of writers feel like they must use a tag after each line of dialogue. But there are many instances when you can remove these.
• If it’s clear who is speaking because there are only two speakers, you can drop many of your tags. Use enough so people don’t get lost, but it doesn’t have to be every time.
• If you have action committed by the speaker, either before or after the dialogue, you can often leave out the tag.
• If the speaker says the name of the other speaker in the dialogue, you can cut the tag. Use this sparingly or your dialogue will feel forced.
• You can also leave out the tag by having clear and deliberate patterns of speech. If we can tell who is speaking based on what they said and how they said it, we don’t need a tag.

12. Use contractions and compound verbs. This is controversial, and it may not fly in formal writing, but it in informal writing, you can use contractions and compound verbs to reduce word count.
• Has not/Hasn’t
• Would have/Would’ve
• You have/You’ve
• We will/We’ll

13. Use plural nouns instead of singular. When you can achieve the same meaning with a plural sentence construction, consider using it to cut down on word count.
• Their vs. his or her
• People vs. A Person
• They vs. Bob and Ron

14. Modulate time expressions. Unless it’s crucial that we know it’s “very nearly noon” or “eleven o’clock in the morning” or “half past three,” use a phrase that conveys the same idea in fewer words.
• “It was very nearly noon when she woke up.” vs. “She woke at noon.”
• “The bell rang at eleven o’clock in the morning.” vs. “The bell rang at eleven.”
• “They finished school at half past three.” vs. “They finished school at three-thirty.”

Please note that even these tips must be used with discretion. They are advice, not rules.

What are your tips for cutting word count?

For my 7^th article on editing tips, I’d like to talk about things editors love to see and things that really frustrate us. We talk to each other, so you don’t want to develop a reputation as unprofessional, difficult, or just not very good.

Do:

• Read your entire manuscript from first to last word several times. Fix any issues to the best of your ability.
• Run a spelling and grammar checker. Also, turn on the feature that underlines errors. This will detect extra (or missing) spaces, missing punctuation, and other formatting issues your eye might miss. Note: the spelling and grammar checker is often wrong, but it is good at picking up formatting errors. Use it judiciously.
• Have someone else read your work before you turn it in (if at all possible).
• Review the style/submission guidelines and formatting requirements of the publication, company, or line, and make sure you follow them. If there aren’t any guidelines, consider emailing your editor about any particulars you should be aware of.
• Use appropriate spelling and usage for your location. In America, use American spelling; in the UK, British spelling; and so on.
• Let your editor know if you are running into problems, might be late, need more time, or about any other issues. It’s rare for us to be upset about things like this, but you must inform us in a timely manner. You earn points for being communicative and easy to work with; it’s not about being perfect.
• Review changes and suggestions. Take note of any trends or tendencies an editor points out.

Don’t:

• Use passive voice. Ever. It’s always bad writing and makes you look bad.
• Use weird fonts.
• Use 2 spaces after each period. This is wrong. It’s not an opinion. If you do it, you are wrong and should get over it. If you did this on a cold submission, there’s a strong possibility you will be rejected, even if everything else is perfect. If you are doing work for hire, your editor will groan.
• Accept the tracked changes made by your editor without reading them. You don’t improve as a writer, might be frustrated by changes you don’t agree with, and piss us off.
• Ignore wordcount for the assignment. Shoot for no more than +/- 10% over or under the request. If they say 3000 words, try to be between 2700-3300. If they give a range, try not to go over the upper limit of the range.
• Get angry about requests, changes, or observations. Most editors are not mean and are not going out of our way to upset you. Some of us are nicer than others, but that’s true in any field. Please feel free to discuss a change, but please don’t yell at us, write nasty emails, or go above our heads to the publisher (they probably already know).
• Submit a rough draft, WIP, or any manuscript that isn’t complete to your editor unless they’ve asked for one.

Have any editor pet peeves I didn’t cover? Mention them in your comments.

My Story “I Never Knew” will be printed in Queer Sci Fi’s “Ink” Anthology. More info as it becomes available.

Editing Tips #6: Commas and the Word But

I’m going to let you in on a secret: you don’t always need to use a comma before the word but.

Many of us are in the habit of putting a comma before the word but every time it appears. For reasons grammarians cannot fathom, the word but triggers the “we need to use commas to indicate a pause in our sentence” instinct that our elementary school teachers hammered into our craniums.

When do we use a comma with but? When is it unnecessary (or even wrong)?

In the sentences below, the word but is linking two independent clauses. An independent clause is a clause that can stand alone as its own sentence; it doesn’t rely on any other clauses to give it meaning. We can connect two independent clauses to create one sentence using a coordinating conjunction (such as but) and a comma.

·       I love to eat apples, but I hate to eat pears.

·       She went to the park, but she didn’t do her homework.

·       The girls went to the movies, but the boys came home early for dinner.

When part of a sentence relies on another part to give it meaning, we don’t use a comma before the conjunction (in this case, but).  We call these dependent clauses.

·       I love eating apples but not pears.

·       We always go to the movies but never to the park.

·       Yolanda ate her ice cream but didn’t eat her vegetables.

Next time you are writing a sentence with the word but, ask yourself the following question:

·       Are the two clauses I want to link with but independent, complete thoughts that can stand alone as their own sentences?

If the answer is yes, use a comma. If the answer is no, and the clause after the but requires the clause before it to make sense, do not use a comma. 

As writers, we usually know the intent behind the words we use. Unfortunately, this can cause us to miss ambiguity in our writing. That’s why it’s so important to establish clear antecedents.

An antecedent is a word in a paragraph or sentence that is later replaced by pronouns or substitutes. Generally, the antecedent is the closest noun to the left of a pronoun in a sentence. See below:

• John took his dog to the park. This was the second time he had gone this week. There, they played fetch, went for a run, and socialized with other dogs and their owners.

In the paragraph above, John, dog, and park are all antecedents. John is the antecedent for the pronouns “his” in the first sentence and “he” in the second. Park is the antecedent for “there” in the third sentence. John + dog is the antecedent for “they” in the third sentence.

Let’s look at another paragraph where the antecedents are less clear:

• Sean jogged to our house and knocked on the door. Sam glanced at Jim and rolled his eyes, then got up to let him in.

The intent of the sentence above is for Sam to let Sean in. But because of the way the sentence is constructed, the reader might get the impression that Sam is letting Jim in and not Sean. Even if the reader is likely to understand the intent, it slows down the reading process, which is never our intent.

A better version of the paragraph about Sean is:

• Sean jogged to our house and knocked on the door. Sam glanced at Jim and rolled his eyes, then got up to let Sean in.

We use pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition, which is generally frowned on in English writing, but we shouldn’t do this to the point where it’s unclear who is doing what.

For my fourth editing tips article, I’d like to talk about microaggressive language. Microaggressions are terms people use that convey hostility or disdain for marginalized groups. They can be intentional or unintentional. I covered gender in a previous post, so I won’t discuss it more here.

1. Ableist language. When people use ableist language, they are generally using a word related to a disability to imply that something is undesirable. This language implies that people with disabilities need to be fixed or cured.
   A) Lame/retarded = bad or mediocre
   B) Crazy/insane = outlandish
   C) Maniac/Psycho/Schizo = a person who is behaving in an erratic or inconsistent way
   D) Crippled/handicapped = experiencing a massive disadvantage

2. Homophobic/transphobic language. When people use homophobic or transphobic language (also biphobic, etc.) they are employing words and phrases that cast aspersions on members of the queer community. They may also be willfully disregarding the identity of a queer person by incorrectly naming them.
   A) That’s so gay = that’s terrible
   B) Deadnaming = referring to a trans person by their birth or former name instead of the name they currently go by. This strips the person of their voice and identity.
   C) Heteronormative projection = assuming another person is straight and speaking to them as if that’s the default.

3. Racist language. Language that cast aspersions on a race or associates all members of that race with a particular characteristic.
   A) My black roommate is so loud. Your roommate may be loud, but it’s not because they’re black. That’s just the way they sound. But by inserting their race into the sentence when it’s completely irrelevant, you are creating a connection where none exists.
   B) Your English is so good for a Latin guy. People might mean well when they give this sort of compliment, but all they are doing is implying that most members of that race do not exhibit the positive quality they are referring to.

4. Anti-religious/ethnic language. Language that cast aspersions on a religion or ethnicity or associates all of its members with a particular quality.
   A) You’re Jewish? You must be rich. There is no correlation.
   B) You’re a gypsy (Roma)? Hands off my stuff. Being Roma does not make someone a thief.
   C) You shouldn’t let him on the plane (referring to a Arab man). He’s probably a terrorist. Being a Muslim or an Arab does not make a person any more likely to engage in terrorism. Most terrorists in this country are white Christian men.

For my 3rd post on editing tips, I’d like to talk about gendered language. By gendered language, I am referring to the use of gendered nouns and pronouns when describing an unnamed individual or individuals – generic people on the street, soldiers, priests, etc.

When we use gendered language when we are referring to a person who could be any gender, we are removing the voice of non-binary people. We are also potentially removing the voice of binary people who are deliberately excluded. After all, if the militia is made up of mixed genders, but we refer to its members as militiamen, we are erasing the existence of the women and non-binary folks who belong to it.

The same is true of pronouns. If we use he or she when the person we’re describing could be any gender, we are making our writing less inclusive. When it doubt, use ‘they’ as the pronoun for a generic person or group of people.

Below are some specific examples to be mindful of in writing:

• Gendered professions: fireman, militiamen, washer woman, seamstress, stewardess. Replace with firefighter, militia members or militia folk, washer or launderer, tailor, flight attendant.
• Gendering generic characters. When we’re referring to people in mixed groups by a specific gender – folks on the street, an order of priests, or any other group that could be mixed – we are reinforcing patriarchal notions of gender roles. Some good gender-neutral examples: townsfolk, folk, people, officers, clergy.
• Use of gendered language when referring to groups historically associated with a particular gender. We should avoid using ‘men’ to refer to people in a military group (i.e. the king’s men) unless that group is specifically all men (and in that case, we should examine if there is a compelling reason to exclude everyone else). Instead, use minions, people, servants, warriors, or whatever other non-gender specific term fits. Not only will your writing be more specific, but it will also be more inclusive.

For my 2nd post on common editing issues, I’m going to talk about filler words.
When talking about filler in writing, editors are referring to words and phrases that add no additional meaning to a sentence. The sentence would function fine without these words.
Filler words dilute the impact of sentences. The extra words require your reader to mentally process more to get to the point of your sentence (you don’t want that).

Finally, they bloat your word count. It’s rare for writers to be too economical with their words; it’s far more common for them to struggle with excess. Every word you can delete from your manuscript without losing meaning is a word you want to murder.

What are some examples of filler words?
1) Sensory words. If your sentence includes a variant of see, hear, smell, taste, or touch, you may need to revise it.
A) Tanya saw Maria pass by her office.
B) Maria passed by Tanya’s office.

Which of these is better? Most of the time, B. Why? Unless it is crucial that we call out Tanya seeing this, it’s enough to say that the event happened. If the story is from Tanya’s perspective, we must assume that she has seen everything she is reporting about.

2) Appears, seems, looks, etc. This is the same issue as with the sensory words above. Usually, we use these to indicate that the speaker isn’t sure of something. But we don’t need to do that.
A) It looks to me like you’re heading to the office.
B) Are you heading to the office? | You’re heading to the office.
Unless it’s truly crucial that we specify the speaker isn’t sure about their assertion, leave these words out.

3) Is (and it’s variants). We try to avoid using is as the primary verb of a sentence. It lacks impact and dilutes meaning.
A) The focus of our group is bird watching.
B) Our group focuses on bird watching.
Which of these is better? Almost always B. Why? Focus is a much more impactful verb than is. Also, B uses fewer words to accomplish the same purpose.

4) Adverbs ending in -ly. Adverbs can add useful detail to a sentence, but more often than not, they end up telling the reader instead of showing them.
A) “I’ve had it!” said Vivian, furiously.
B) “I’ve had it!” Vivian stomped down the hall to her room, slamming the door behind her.
Sentence B describes what Vivian did, which makes it clear she was angry.

5) Simply, basically, highly, perhaps, maybe, somehow, sort of, kind of, a little, clearly, obviously, definitely, just, merely, absolutely, naturally, really, very, quite. We already talked about adverbs, but there is a subset that’s particularly problematic.
A) “Simply turn the allen wrench three times, counterclockwise, until widget C aligns with doohickey A.”
B) “Turn the allen wrench three times, counterclockwise, until widget C aligns with doohickey A.”
What purpose did “simply” serve in the sentence? None. And worse, it might offend or frustrate your readers. What if they don’t think it’s simple or have difficulty with it? The same is true for the other words I highlighted. We can’t assume something is basic, clear, obvious, or definite to other people.

6) That, of (or all of). When writing any manuscript, viciously prune for this word. If a sentence is as clear without “that” is it is with it, get rid of it.
A) Pamela thought that Gaurav took her lunch money.
B) Pamela thought Gaurav took her lunch money.
Sentence B is as clear as A, so there’s no reason to use that.
A) All of Myron’s writing needs revision.
B) Myron’s writing needs revision.

7) So, mostly, most times, in order to, often, oftentimes. These are leading words, and most of the time you can leave them out.
A) Often, the best thing we can do is sleep on it.
B) The best thing we can do is sleep on it.
People use these words as a transition, but they aren’t necessary.

8) In my humble opinion, needless to say, for what it’s worth. Do we need to tell people our opinion is humble? If it’s needless to say, why say it? For what it’s worth means nothing.
A) In my humble opinion, Charles is an ass.
B) Charles is an ass.
It’s clearly your opinion of him.

9) Actual. Doesn’t add anything to a sentence.
A) Henry found the actual weapon Christina used to murder Fannie.
B) Henry found the weapon Christina used to murder Fannie.
People sometimes use actual when they want to emphasize the novelty or strangeness of a situation. But the situation should make that obvious.

10) Redundant words. Advance warning (warning is always advance); add an additional (just use add); added bonus (a bonus is, by definition, added); absolutely essential (essential is already superlative).
A) He had advance warning about the attack.
B) He had ample warning about the attack.
If the goal is to show how much warning he had, use a more specific word.

11) Redundant prepositions. Meet with, bought up, sold off, this time around. In all of these, the preposition adds nothing.
A) Tangina sold off all her worldly possessions.
B) Tangina sold all her worldly possessions

These are just a sample of some of the worst offenders. When editing your writing (or someone else’s), mercilessly trim any word that isn’t necessary to make your sentence clear. Don’t do this to the point where the sentence looks like it was written by a robot, and it isn’t as crucial to do this in dialogue (it should sound like real people).

I wanted to start a series of posts about common issues editors see again and again while editing manuscripts (including RPG manuscripts). Let me know if you find this valuable and if there are topics you’d like me to cover. Now on to the content.

Passive Voice…

Which of these sentences is better?
1) “The apple was eaten.”
2) “Bob ate the apple.”

In sentence #1, “something” is being done to “something else” by “someone”. This sentence construct requires more words (bad), is harder for our brains to process (bad), and can lead to ambiguity (really bad).

How can it lead to ambiguity? People often write sentences in which it isn’t clear who is doing the action.

Good: Bob ate the apple.
Bad: The apple was eaten by Bob.
Worse: The apple was eaten.
Why is the 2nd sentence problematic? In both sentences, Bob is the one doing the action, but the second sentence focuses on the apple rather than the person eating it.

The 3rd sentence is even worse because we don’t know who did the eating. Is it referring to the state of the apple (that it is a half-eaten or entirely devoured apple), or is it talking about the fact that someone ate it? We can avoid this problem altogether by using the active voice. Tell us who ate that delicious apple. Make them the star of the show. Why make your readers guess?

There are exceptions where we do want to focus on the intended target of the action as opposed to the person doing the action. This happens sometimes in RPG mechanics text. In each of these instances, decide if it’s absolutely necessary that the “victim” or “target” of the action be the subject of the sentence. If it makes just as much sense when you write in the active voice, use the active voice. Only use passive voice if it makes things easier to understand (which is rare).